This past week on Survivor wannabe super villain Colton was forced off the show due to appendicitis. A fitting ending for someone who aspired to become the most shrewd and manipulative contestant the show has ever seen in 24 seasons. Unfortunately for him, you actually have to finish the game (or at least get to the merge) before you can even be considered for such a prestigious title. Case and point...Courtney Robertson (take notes Colton). A woman so devious and calculating she puts Bill Belichick to shame. Courtney was able to out-wit her fellow competitors on The Bachelor, and even the bachelor himself, all the way to the finale where (dressed up like an understudy from Wicked) she was proposed to. Now that is how you do it Colton!
Just before Colton's insides were about to burst, last weeks episode started off pretty promising. The Salani tribe went two for two this past week winning both the ice cream social reward challenge and the immunity challenge. The Manono tribe once again went back to camp empty handed and pissed off. The dynamic duo of Colton and Alicia immediately began viciously heckling Christina like they were the plastics from Mean Girls.
They told Christina she was going home and that if she wanted to avoid embarrassment she should jump into their campfire (now I could be wrong but I'm not sure how willingly throwing yourself onto a fire while being recorded by high definition TV cameras then medivac'd to the nearest hospital where you are treated for third degree burns over a large percentage of your body that will eventually scar and serve as a reminder of your sad existence in a world where you are such a loser you even failed at trying to kill yourself. Not to mention the footage of which, that will subsequently be edited to support the producer's narrative that all along you were a self-loathing, depressed, mess of a human being who decided the only way out was to leap upon a fiery pyre. Added to which indignity, every second of it will be broadcasted to millions of people for their own amusement) yeah that's waaaaay less embarrassing than being voted off at tribal counsel. Good call Colton...good call.
Deciding better of a fiery death Christina makes a plea to Jonas and not Tyrion Lannister Leif that if they vote for Alicia and get 'Tarzan' on board she will align with them for the rest of the game. Jonas and Leif were intrigued by the proposal and were in the middle of trying to sway Tarzan when karma decided Colton's time on Survivor had come to an end. In a rare show of mercy, the reality TV gods struck down Colton so we the viewers no longer have to suffer through his unbearable diva pseudo evil facade.
Unlike Courtney, whom I was rooting for and desperately wanted to win The Bachelor, I wanted nothing else than to watch Colton be voted off the island. He was trying to hard. You know when talent scouts watch an athlete and they say to themselves "wow this kid just has it", and its never explainable what "it" is. You just know it when you see it? Courtney has "it". You always knew she was well in control of her actions. Every word she spoke, every mouth twitch she displayed was calculated and struck fear in the hearts of her opponents. Not to mention she had a toughness about her. You felt like if she had gotten appendicitis she would have hiked to a nearby volcano, grabbed a piece of obsidian, fashioned herself a knife, and cut out her appendix right there on the beach so she could stay in the game a la Ronnie Lott.
How did Colton handle his appendicitis? He cried in pain and was curled into a ball on the beach. Just for those of you that aren't familiar with protagonists and antagonists or typical story structure, super villain characters are not suppose to cry and be carted out of the story before the halfway point, they leave on their own terms. However, I will say Colton did display one last act of defiance to the reality TV gods that punished him. Instead of giving his personal immunity idol to his partner in crime Alicia he kept it for himself as a souvenir. Well played...well played.
I was so thrilled to see him go home so early in such an anti-climactic fashion that when Jeff Probst said Colton could no longer continue in the game I could hardly contain my excitement....I shouted! Now that the show has been freed from petty, bitchy, teenage angst I look at the remaining cast and wonder who will take up the antagonist void left by Colton's appendix? My fear is no one. Which will affect my level of interest in the show but c'mon CBS give me a real villain, not an annoying bitchy pastel polo wearing gay man who's idea of manipulation is whining with an immunity idol in his back pocket. By watching the previews for this weeks episode it is made known that the tribes will merge, lets see if someone will step up to the plate, if not, Survivor producers better have Courtney's number on speed dial!
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