Tuesday, February 28, 2012

THE BACHELOR: GOOD VS EVIL

By Carlo Nuño at 2:16 PM


This week on The Bachelor, America witnessed first hand the eternal struggle between good and evil come to a head. On one side there is Kacie B the quintessential good girl, a down to earth baton twirling good-hearted impressionable young woman who was more than willing to disappoint her overly traditional parents to be with Ben. It seemed Kacie B's eagerness to please the bachelor in every way endeared her to the audience however what Kacie B failed to do, what Courtney mastered, was make the bachelor chase her not get caught up in chasing the bachelor...(brilliant Courtney brilliant).


Kacie B's sweet passive innocence was not only her most adorable quality it was ultimately her most fatal flaw. After being kicked off the show two weeks ago by Ben, in what was probably the most hilarious yet saddest display of a confused self-loathing crying fit ever shown on The Bachelor, she still managed to remain "America's Sweetheart".

Opposite Kacie B stands Courtney The Model. The most diabolically manipulative contestant this show, perhaps reality TV, has EVER seen. I would be lying to you if I said I did not love every second of her being on this show. Not only did she Jedi Mind Trick her way through a gaggle of women, she lured bachelor Ben into her lair with the cunning use of....SEX APPEAL! Ben fell for the oldest trick in the book, now I can't say I fault Ben because lets be real about what is going on here. Whether they want to admit it or not, every single man's dream is to someday coitus with a model.

Courtney knows this and this is what makes her the evil mastermind she is, while all the other girls were playing by the "rules" Courtney was stalking Ben outside his room, abducting him to go "swimming", not wearing a bikini during the tribe date, setting up a faux/real wedding, and making herself vulnerable by describing her insecurities about the other women at every turn to make Ben feel like she is not emotionally strong enough to handle the process of the show which, like any protective male archetype, makes Ben want to save her...genius.


This week ABC has taken all three remaining girls Nikki (the girl with way to many pillows on her bed), Lindzi (who apparently loves horses and not much else), and Courtney (the evil mastermind model) to Switzerland to meet Ben and the guy with by far the easiest job in the history of the world Chris Harrison. Each girl got a one on one all day date with bachelor Ben where really not much happened until later when he would offer them a key to stay with him in a Fantasy suite for a night full of bed, hot tub, and bear skin rug coitus. It is here in the Fantasy suite where Courtney punched a first class ticket to the finale.

She finally gave Ben what he has been after this entire season, regardless if Ben comes away from this show with a wife or not he will always be able to go back to the only bar in Sonoma, CA and tell anyone who will listen how he once made it with a model. Courtney has given Ben something even greater than eternal love and happiness, she has immortalized him -  etched his name in the pantheon of heroes and really, that was all he wanted.

Before the rose ceremony Kacie B makes her triumphant return to the show, doing her best Shawntel impression going to Ben's room and looking for answers as to why he kicked her off the week before. What it came down to was Kacie B was done in by her ultra conservative parents' expectations, something for a guy who raps about wet dreams (yes its him), simply can not live up to. And frankly, he has a 'playa' image to uphold, he can't be tied down by some 25 year old goody two shoes from Tennessee.

Seeing the writing on the wall Kacie B tried one last time to pull bachelor Ben from the clutches of evil by saying "if you propose to Courtney, you will get your heart broken". For a moment it looked like Kacie B had done it, she had rescued Ben from himself and Courtney's hold over him might have been broken but just before he gave out the final rose he looked at Nikki then at Courtney. He said to himself "damn Courtney is a model and Nikki...is not a model, I'm taking Courtney". Score one more for the dark side.

Despite attempts by Kacie B and all the other well-intentioned girls that came and went this season to pull bachelor Ben from darkness, they were simply no match for Courtney the evil mastermind. Now all that stands in the way of her and total bachelor series domination is Lindzi, the girl that loves all things horses (sigh...great). Lindzi is in way over her head and is totally over matched, she stands virtually no chance. In fact, Ben is no match for Courtney either he has been her puppet all season long. Is there anyone that can match Courtney blow for blow on the field of battle? Anyone? 

Sorry I had to...

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